


Coffee Withdrawal

by goldtrashpete



Category: Bandom, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Angst, Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-03
Updated: 2016-01-03
Packaged: 2018-05-11 07:16:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5617996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldtrashpete/pseuds/goldtrashpete
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Frank meets Gerard at a party. Everything is going great until a tragedy happens. The two must find their way back to each other after the worst happens to Frank.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Coffee Withdrawal

**Author's Note:**

> Just something I was playing with. I wasn't originally going to make it so sad, but hey, what can you do.

Frank opened his eyes. The sun was shining bright through a crack between the drapes on his window. He squinted, it was shining right into his eye where he lay on the bed. He looked over to see a guy lying next to him. Pete, Patrick…, it was something that started with a ‘p’. Frank couldn’t remember and he couldn’t really get himself to care.

He climbed out of bed, his limbs feeling stiff and sore from last night’s activities, whatever they were. He could only remember random flashes of the night. Loud music, bright lights, a whole fucking lot of shots. He walked to the bathroom to take a piss. 

He was brushing his teeth when he heard movements from his bedroom. He walked out past his late night companion and strolled past him and into the kitchen. “Do you want some coffee?” He called out behind him.

“Sounds great, yeah.” He heard a gruff reply from the bedroom. He quickly turned the pot on and stood, just staring at the drips of coffee.

“Not much of a morning person, are you?” The guy said-Paul, fuck, his name is Paul-suddenly standing in the archway of the kitchen. 

“That’d be an understatement.” Frank replied. They didn’t say much more after that and finally the coffee beeped. 

Frank never truly felt like a real person until after he had coffee in his system. His mom had always said that, and he had always found it to be true. He poured them both cups and inhaled the strong smell of his before taking a sip. The silence continued through both their first cups.

After Frank has refilled both of their mugs, Paul finally broke the silence. “So…do you know how I can get home from here?”

**  
After Paul had left, Frank had climbed back into bed and watched movies until it was time to go to work that night. Nothing exciting happened at work. Believe it or not, bartending wasn’t the most thrilling job. There had been a fight, it ended with one of the guys hurling on the other one. Would’ve been hilarious, except that Frank had to clean it up.

As he walked back home from the bar, he lit a cigarette. His phone rang after his third drag, he glanced at the screen.

“What do you want, Toro.” He answered the phone in a low voice.

“I’m having a party tomorrow, you should make an appearance.” Ray replied to him.

“Ray, I don’t know-“ Frank started.

“Before you say no, there will be free food and a shit ton of booze.” He interrupted quickly.

Frank let out a deep sigh. “Fine, man. Only for an hour.” It’s not like he had anything better to do. At least he could get a good drunk out it.

**  
“Frank!” Ray yelled from across his apartment as Frank stepped in. The place was already filled up to the fucking brim, which mean about seventy five percent of the people had heard Ray’s loud announcement and were now looking right at him. Frank dropped his gaze down to his feet and quickly made his way across the room to Ray.

“I’m so glad you’re here, dude.” Ray said brightly when Frank had gotten to him.

“Just show me where the whiskey is.” Frank looked over where Ray pointed to see a table that was so full of bottles of booze that he was amazed it didn’t just collapse from the weight.

“Now this is my kind of party.” He heard a voice next to him as he was pouring himself a drink. He looked up to see dark haired man next to him.

“You’re telling me.” Frank replied.

“So how do you know Ray?” The guy continued as he practically dumped an entire bottle of scotch into his plastic cup.

“Went to school together,” Frank took a sip, “You?”

“We fucked once.”

Frank choked on his drink and started coughing, doubling over because of it. The whiskey burned like a motherfucker in his throat as he hacked, trying to catch his breath. When he finally calmed down, he straightened up and looked over at him, he was grinning. “Are you fucking serious?”

“Kidding.” Frank flipped him off and Gerard’s grin grew wider. “I work with him. Name's Gerard.”

“Jesus Christ, dude.”

**

A few hours later and Gerard was screaming Frank’s name as they both came. Frank pulled out and collapsed next to him, breathing heavily. They stayed silent for a while. Just breathing. 

“You want a smoke?” Frank asked, reaching for his pack on the nightstand. Gerard nodded. He lit two and handed one over to Gerard. They stayed silent for the first few drags.

“That was fucking amazing.” Gerard said, a smile in his voice.

“It really was.”

“Tell me about you.” Gerard said suddenly after they were both down to the filters. Frank looked over at him, offended that he’d even think that was a question he was allowed to ask. But Gerard gave him a sweet smile and before he knew it, Frank was spilling his guts.

He told him about his parents split when he was young and about his shitty health as a kid. About how his mother had forced him to go to Catholic school and how Frank couldn’t shake it off completely. He still went to Mass every week. He did confession whenever he could. He even showed him his rosary that was hidden underneath his shirt. He talked about how he had started college, but ended up dropping out to find his true calling. But he ended up stuck at a shitty bartending job.

“So mixing drinks at 2am isn’t your dream job?” Gerard said, grinning at him. 

Frank laughed softly. “No, it really isn’t.”

They were laying on their sides, facing each other. Almost close enough to touch, only the smallest bit of space was between them. They continued to talk into the late night, laughing softly every once in a while. Frank told some stories about Ray from high school that make Gerard let out a loud, boisterous laugh. And he listened quietly, with a small smile, as Frank told him about his mother.

At some point they must have both dozed off and Frank woke up hours later. The normal streak of bright sunlight wasn’t in his face this time, because his face was in the crook of Gerard’s neck. Gerard had his arm draped over Frank’s waist and their legs were comfortably intertwined. This was the first time he’d been comfortable sleeping in his own bed with someone since before he could even remember. He would have been content to just go back to sleep except-fuck me-he had to piss right this second or he was going to die.

He tried carefully to untangle himself, trying his best not to wake Gerard. He was almost in the clear when he rolled over a bit too far and fell right off the bed, toppling to the floor. He cursed under his breath and stood up carefully, feeling a pang in his back. He didn’t think anyone could sleep through the noise he’d made, but Gerard just mumbled something incoherent and turned over.

**  
Gerard didn’t wake up until the coffee pot beeped at Frank, then he suddenly appeared in the kitchen archway. “Do I smell coffee?” He said sleepily.

Frank couldn’t help but smile a bit as he handed him a mug of coffee. “Thank god.” Gerard said, his mouth curling up at the corners. “Don’t you just feel way fucking better after having coffee in the morning? Like you aren’t a real person without it?”

Frank’s smile widened. He thought of his mom saying those same words. “Shit, yeah, I totally agree.” He’d never heard anyone other than her say that.

They sat in comfortable silence for a while, just both sipping their coffees. 

**  
“Gerard asked about you at work today.” Ray said a few days later as they rounded the corner of the next food aisle. 

“Chickpeas, chickpeas…aha! Found them.” Frank mumbled to himself as he searched the shelves, pumping a fist when he finally spotted them. He threw a couple bags of them into his cart. He glanced over at Ray. “Good for him.”

Ray sighed, annoyed. “Well, aren’t you going to ask what he said?”  
Frank rolled his eyes as he grabbed a box of rice. “What are we, in middle school?”

Ray huffed next to him, but dropped the subject for a while as they continued walking through the store. 

Frank sighed at Ray’s obvious disappointment. “Well, aren’t you going to tell me?”

Ray’s mouth turned up quickly into an excited smile. Christ, he looked like a fucking five year old. “He asked me if you were seeing anyone, first of all. Which I said no to, of course.”

“Of course.” Frank repeated solemnly. 

“He said you told him about still going to Mass? You didn’t even tell me about that and I went to fucking Catholic school with you. I think someone is in _love_.” Ray said, bringing his voice up an octave and making an annoying kissy face.

Frank flipped him off. That made Ray laugh loudly as they waited in line at checkout, making everyone turn to look at him.

“You fucking suck, man.” Frank hissed at him, thanking god that it was their turn next in line.

Ray laughed again, quieter this time and reached over Frank, grabbing a pack of cigarettes and throwing it on the counter. “You’re almost out, buddy.”

Frank broke and a smile spread across his face. He replied, “You’re the best, buddy.” And then leaned up on his toes to kiss Ray behind his ear, mainly getting a face full of hair.

“So what do you want me to tell Gerard?” Ray said when they were outside of the store, packing the bags of food into the trunk of his car.

“About what?” Frank replied, trying to sound apathetic.

Ray groaned. “Jesus, Frank. About you! Are you into him or what?”

Frank just shrugged in reply and left to put the cart away. 

**  
Gerard showed up that night with Chinese take-out. They talked until the sun came up and then fucked on the living room floor. Frank couldn’t remember ever feeling this comfortable with another person in his life.

“I think you’re made of magic.” Gerard whispered in his ear before kissing him.

**  
“Can I go to Mass with you?” Gerard said suddenly the following Sunday.

Frank stopped in the middle of pouring water into the back of the coffee maker. “What?”

“I want to go to Mass with you.” Gerard repeated, sounding a bit unsure this time.

Frank didn’t reply at first, just finished pouring the water and shaking some coffee grounds into the filter. He waited until after the coffee had started dripping into the pot before walking over to Gerard and sitting across from him at the table.

“Why?” He finally asked, searching Gerard’s eyes.

Gerard lifted a shoulder. An attempted shrug. “I’ve never been.” He said, looking down at his hands. “Besides, it seems important to you. I want to see what it’s like.”

Frank looked over at him cautiously, not really sure how to even feel about it. Eventually though, he had to admit that he was causing a scene out of nothing. “Yeah, okay.”

A tentative smile spread across Gerard’s face. “Really?” The coffee beeped and Frank got up to pour them some.

“Yeah, I mean. It’s not that exciting. You’ll probably be disappointed.” He replied and walked back to the table with the two mugs.

“That’s okay, I’m easily entertained.” Gerard replied.

**  
As they walked into the big, familiar sanctuary, he could see Gerard ogling. Frank knew it was a pretty church, it was a beautiful church, actually. It was one of his most calming places to be, it reminded him of home. 

He tugged on Gerard’s sleeve, tugging him to his usual row of pews near the back of the room. Frank crossed himself before sitting down. Gerard quickly followed suit, but he crossed the wrong way which make Frank laugh under his breath. Gerard discretely flipped him off, which made Frank laugh more.

The service followed by as normal. Frank tried not to laugh every time the congregation all spoke together, saying something like “Lord, hear our prayer”, and Gerard would rush to say it, always a beat behind them.

After communion, they sat back down in their seats and Frank kneeled down in prayer. He saw Gerard follow after him, but he could feel Gerard’s eyes on him the whole time. 

His prayers were pretty general most times. Nothing too fancy. He wasn’t like best friends with God, or anything. It was more that he just kept coming to church out of habit. It was familiar to him, he liked familiarity. He prayed that he’d be peaceful in his life. And that he would find a new job because his boss was being a real dick as of late. He prayed for his mom, who was sick last time he talked to her. And finally, he prayed for Gerard. Because he had no fucking clue what to even start to think about that guy.

Finally, the service ended, the priest calling out, “You may now go in peace.”

**  
On the drive back to his apartment, Frank could still feel Gerard’s eyes on him. It was fucking annoying. “Can I help you?”

“What did you pray about?” Gerard asked, watching him.

“That’s private. You’ll have to get in touch with the asshole upstairs for that information.” He replied without looking at him.

“Did you pray about me?” Gerard pressed, leaning more towards him as if he was afraid he’d miss the answer.

“What are you, a 15 year old girl? Back off, man.” He snapped, his words coming out harsher than he had meant.

Gerard frowned and leaned back in his seat. They didn’t say anything else on the ride back.

“I’m sorry.” Frank finally offered when they’d gotten back to his place. “I’m really touchy about the whole Catholic thing. And I’m worried about my mom.” He said honestly.

“I’m sorry too, I shouldn’t have pushed.” Gerard said, giving Frank a sympathetic smile. “I’m sorry about your mom, too. I’m sure she’ll be okay.”

Frank didn’t say anything back, just pulled him into a tight hug.

**  
Gerard stayed at Frank’s for five nights in a row. Frank only left his bed to work. They fucked between every one of his shifts.

“I’m so glad I met you.” Frank said against Gerard’s lips one night. Gerard smiled in reply.

He called his mom on night three. She was getting worse.

**  
On day six, Gerard decided he should probably go to his place for a few days, to reassure his roommate that he wasn’t dead. Two days after he had left, Frank got the call.

**  
“The funeral is on Friday.” Frank said quietly into the phone, vaguely aware of Gerard’s eyes weighing him down. “Could we take your car? Mine might not make the drive.”

“Yeah, of course.” Ray’s replied sadly from the other line. “Hey, man, I’m really so-“

“Thanks, see you on Friday.” Frank cut him off and hung up. He looked down at his phone for a while, unable to quiet the irrational hope that if he called his mom right now, she would answer just like always.

“Frank…” Gerard started, pulling him out of his thoughts. There was pity in his voice. Frank hated that. He turned to face him and opened his mouth to say something-why is this happening-but changed his mind. He brushed past him and into the kitchen, he desperately needed some coffee. And maybe some brandy to go with it. 

Gerard followed behind him, quietly watching him. Eventually he spoke, “Do you want me to go with you to the funeral?”

Frank was utterly offended that he even had to ask that. He paused what he was doing, his hands practically vibrating from a mixture of anger, deep despair, and never ending confusion about everything that was happening. 

“Do whatever you want.” He spat out, giving up on making coffee and walked back to his room, slamming the door shut behind him.

**  
The funeral was as normal as any other funeral. The wake went by in a blur, it was a constant flow of people coming up to Frank and talking to him about his mom. Some people he knew, some people he didn’t. Either way he just wanted it to be over. Ray did most of the talking and smiling with one comforting hand on Frank’s back at all times.

At the Mass service, Frank didn’t participate. He just stood completely silent, watching all those around him. He didn’t follow along with any hymns and he didn’t pray with everyone else. He just watched, barely even aware that he was alive. Ray watched him the whole time.

Frank didn’t really start to feel anything until he saw her coffin being lowered into the ground. Then it was all over and everyone left, walking back to their cars. But Frank was still there, with Ray next to him. Frank just stared down at the coffin.

“This isn’t fair.” It came out as barely a whisper. His eyes started to fill up. “I wasn’t even there for you, mom. I should’ve been there. I should’ve come home the second you got sick.” The tears were falling down his cheeks now. Ray placed a hand on his shoulder. 

Frank cried for what seemed like forever. Finally, he took a deep breath, getting a hold of himself, before kneeling down the ground. He placed a hand on her coffin. “I’ll pour a cup of coffee for you, mom.” He said shakily, his voice broke. “I love you.”

Gerard never showed.

**

Gerard wasn’t around when Frank got home. He really couldn’t care less.

He didn’t leave his apartment for a week.

**  
“How are you holding up, buddy?” Ray said after he’d shown up at his place with coffee and donuts, barging his way in despite Frank’s objections.

“I’ve been better, buddy.” He replied weakly, sipping on his coffee. 

Ray smiled sympathetically from across the table at him. They sipped in silence for a while, Ray obviously not knowing what to say and Frank not wanting to say anything at all.

“Where’s Gerard at these days?” Ray asked cautiously, noticeably trying to sound nonchalant.

Frank shrugged. “Fuck if I know.” He finished his coffee. “Or care.” He got up from his seat and walked out of the kitchen, tossing his empty cup into the trash. 

But Ray, of course, followed him into the living room. “You guys haven’t talked?”

Frank groaned irritably, dropped down onto his couch. “He didn’t come to my mother’s goddamn funeral, Ray. If I never see him again, it’ll be too soon.” He rubbed at his eyes roughly and dropped his head back on the couch, closing his eyes.

“You don’t mean that, Frankie.” Ray said and Frank felt him touch his knee.

He turned to look at Ray sharply. “Fuck off, Ray. You don’t know anything about me.”

Ray looked hurt, and Frank instantly regretted what he’d said. “Right, cause 10 years of friendship is just complete bullshit.” He left, slamming the door shut on the way out.

Frank yelled out in despair, pushing the coffee table over in front of him. He yelled out one more time, then dropped his face in his hands.

He cried himself to sleep that night.

**  
Another week went by. He told his boss he could work Saturdays now.

He made up with Ray. Gerard never called.

**  
“You should stop by, Frank. Even if it’s just for a few minutes.” Ray said over the phone a month later. “It’ll get you back into the world.”

“I don’t know.” Frank said, not really feeling like going to a party. But also feeling like he seriously needed to get out of his apartment. It was starting to get pathetic in there.

“Come on, Frank. Free booze.” Ray pressed, but his voice sounded guarded. “If you get here and you feel terrible, then you can just go back home. I’ll even drive you back if you want.”

Frank sighed. “Alright. I’ll make an appearance.”

**  
This party was practically a replica of the last one. Only this time, Ray came up to Frank, looking worried and a bit sad. Do I really look that fucking terrible? Frank flashed him a fake smile, which seemed to satisfy him for a bit.

“The booze is in the same place as always.” Ray spoke in his ear and Frank headed that way.

The same array of spirits was set up, and Frank reached for his usual drink of choice. He was barely done pouring before a familiar voice made his heart stop and drop all the way to his fucking ass. He couldn’t collect his thoughts enough to reply. Or even remember what he’d said.

“Hey, Frank.” Gerard repeated.

Frank still couldn’t speak for quite some time. “Hey.” He finally managed to get out.

“How are you?”

That just made him angry. He finally turned to meet Gerard’s gaze. “How the fuck do you think I am?” He said sharply.

Gerard looked so sad. He opened his mouth to speak, but Frank cut him off.

“Oh wait, you wouldn't know, would you? You would, if you hadn’t bailed when I fucking needed you the most, you asshole.” Frank said, downing the whiskey in his cup and turning to leave.

“Frank?” Ray said as Frank passed him, heading for the door. His eyes went wide when he saw Gerard, as if he didn’t realize he’d invited him.

He walked out the door and was heading down the hallway when he felt a hand on his shoulder, stopping him. “Frank, wait, please!”

“Leave me alone, Gerard. Please!” Frank turned, yelling back. 

Gerard had a desperate look on his face. “I’m so sorry, Frank.”

“Save your apologies. I don’t want them.” Frank spat back.

“I did the wrong thing, I know that now.” Gerard replied in a hopeless voice. “You have no idea how much I wish I had gone with you to the funeral.”

“Well you didn’t, Gerard.” Frank was satisfied with the way Gerard recoiled, like his words had physically hurt him.

He turned and left, leaving Gerard standing by himself in the hallway.

**  
“You’re not really mad at him, sweetheart.” Frank’s mother said, sitting across the table from him. Frank looked around at all the familiar objects in his mother’s kitchen. There was a picture of him in his school uniform sitting on one of the window sills.

“I’m not?” Frank replied, finally looking at his mom. She looked the same as he always remembered.

She shook her head and took a sip of her coffee before answering. “You’re mad at me for leaving you.”

“I could never be mad at you, mom.” Frank replied.

“You’re mad at God for taking me away from you.” She said.

Frank nodded, but didn’t reply. He looked down at his own cup of coffee, looking into the darkness of it; thinking about the darkness in the world and wondering what it would feel like to be in enveloped in it.

He felt his mom place her hand on his. He looked up at her, but her face was different now. Distorted. Her skin looked almost translucent, like it was paper thin. There were deep, dark circles around her eyes. She looked so sick.

“Goodbye, Frankie.” She said, her voice faint.

He woke up screaming for her to not leave him. But she was gone.

**

There was a knock at the door. Frank ignored it, not wanting to ever see anyone in his life again. It had been five days since his dream, but he still couldn’t seem to shake it. There was another knock at the door, he ignored it again.

“Frank?” Gerard’s voice came through from the other side of the door. Frank’s heart stopped again. He wondered when he would stop having that reaction to Gerard’s voice.

He got up and opened the door. “Hey.” Gerard said after a few moments of complete silence.

“Hey.” Frank replied shortly.

“Can I,” He started, unsure, “Can I come in?”

Frank wasn’t sure, but moved aside anyway, taking a while to close the door behind him. Finally he turned to face Gerard, unsure of what was going to happen next or what he even wanted to happen next.

“Frank, I-“ Gerard started.

“I talked to my mom about you.” Frank said suddenly, not really sure whether he regretted it or not. He just couldn’t hear another apology.

Gerard was quiet for a while, his eyebrows drawn together in concern as he searched Frank’s eyes. “You did?” He finally said uncertainly.

“Last week.” Frank replied. He watched as worry spread across Gerard’s face.

“Frank,” he reached out for Frank’s hand, taking it in his own, “Have you talked to anyone? Have you even been to Mass?”

Frank shook his head. “I’m not crazy, Gee. She showed up in one of my dreams.”

Gerard stared at him for a long time again. That was getting annoying. “She was in your dream?”  
Frank nodded. He led Gerard to the couch and they both sat down. “I’m not mad at you anymore, Gerard. She helped me see that.”

“You aren’t?” He replied, relief visible on his face.

“No, not really. I’m just angry about my mom.” Frank said softly, looking down. “I really fucking miss her.”

Gerard pulled him into his arms and Frank gladly went. He almost instantly started sobbing the second he felt Gerard wrap his arms around him. He could feel the drip of his tears soaking his shirt. Gerard didn’t seem to mind, though.

“I am so sorry, Frankie.” Gerard’s voice came out shaky and mangled. Frank realized that he was crying too. “It’s going to be okay, Frankie. It’ll be okay.” He rocked them both back and forth.

They stayed like that for a long time, just crying and rocking back and forth. Eventually Gerard untangled himself from Frank, sitting up and pulling him towards the bed. That night Frank slept more than he had ever over the past month. Gerard held him through the entire night.

**

When Frank woke up, the sheets next to him were cold and Gerard was gone. He had about ten seconds of absolute despair before he heard someone moving in the kitchen. He heard a beep from far away and then the familiar smell of coffee drifting through the apartment.

He walked into the kitchen to find Gerard filling two mugs with coffee. He rubbed his eyes roughly and then blinked sleepily as he watched Gerard carefully carry the cups over to the table.

“Is that coffee that I smell?” Frank said, remembering Gerard saying the same words after their first night together. 

Gerard turned to him and smiled softly and Frank could tell that he was remembering too. He motioned for Frank to sit down at the table with him. They sat in silence for a while, just sipping their coffee. Frank felt the warmth of it go down his throat and warm his whole body. He let out a sigh of relief. He felt better than he had in a long time.

“Doesn’t coffee just make you feel like you’re a real person?” Gerard said, so quiet that Frank almost didn’t hear it.

Frank smiled, letting thoughts of his mother fill his mind. 

“Yeah, it does.” He replied. Gerard smiled back.


End file.
